The trouble with being a woman is........

I recently heard the most interesting quote.  Trouble is, I can't remember where I heard it.  But it stuck with me nonetheless.  It went something like this:

"The trouble with being a woman is having women friends."

At first I sort of took offense.  I mean, what could be bad about having women friends as a woman? For myself, I don't remember a time, even in my early girlhood, when I didn't have female friends.  From playing house and Barbies, to discovering make-up and nylons and boys, to bridesmaids in your wedding, to mother's comparing diaper rash remedies, women commune together throughout their lives. We travel from one rite of passage to the next together in a way men never can. And in a world where even the men we are the closest to often find us tantamount to aliens from another planet, other women understand and commiserate with us on our physical and emotional travails.  We've all been there, ya know? What could really be bad?

But....as I turned the quote over in my head more and more, I began to see the subject of women having women friends in a different light.  I realized I hadn't really given these relationships much thought through the years.  There were certain things that went along with these relationships, good and bad, and that was just the way it was. It came with the territory. Not much to analyze.



I realized I hadn't really thought about the dynamics of these relationships much until I wrote. "Because You're the First."  While the story mostly revolves around the love interest of Kassandra and Cameron, a huge part of what happens has to do with Kassandra's high school girlfriends, Susie and Mindi, and their relationships with each other.

While these characters care deeply for each other, they are also very competitive.  They truly have a love-hate relationship going on with one another.  Mindi is a lower middle class girl from a large family.  Kassandra is one of two children of an upper middle class family.  Mindi is forced to watch Kassandra wear designer clothes while she wears hand me downs.  She watches Kassandra go on trips, when Mindi's poor and large family can barely afford to live.  In the story, this leads to a lot of complications between Kassandra and Mindi. 

This is a pretty predictable scenario,  you say.  One girl has and the other doesn't.  No wonder there is friction.  But how about when your friend has as much as you do, if not more? 

I had this dicotomy with a girlfriend I met in about the 3rd grade.  We felt like we were like peas in a pod.  Our birthdays were literally two days apart.  We were both musical, both had nice clothes and nice homes and families. 

Yet we still found things to compete about.  If it wasn't who got the newest Elton John album first, it was over who was the better singer, who had the better figure, etc.  Yet in spite of these friendly little competitions, we were able to stay friends.

That all ended when it came to boys.  We could compete about the little things, but with boys, that was something else entirely.  We were out for blood.  And if you got the guy and she didn't, well, that wasn't a good thing, because many times, the friend feels left behind, as though you're choosing the guy over her friendship.

Which, let's face it, ladies.  It was the truth.

This is what happens between Susie and Kassandra in the book.  Kassandra, like any young girl, feels she is forced to choose between Cameron and Susie, a sweet and kind but promiscuious girl who Cameron disapproves of. 

Another great quote: "What they do to make them like us." (That one I remember; that is from the movie "Becoming Jane," one of my favorites.) Anyway, Kassandra, at first, thinks Cameron is worth giving up her friend for, then changes her mind.  Ultimately, Cameron accepts Susie as Kassandra's friend. 

These conflicts continue between these women, even as adults. In the story, Kassandra and Mindi squabble over Kassandra's relationship with Cameron, which Mindi has always deemed as bad for Kassandra. 

Yet they stayed friends over a 40 year period. 

So our relationships with our women friends are problematic, just like all our other relationships.  No relationship is easy all the time.  I wished I'd known this as a young person, since so many women friends over the years have crossed in and out of my life, all of them enriching and contributing to who I am in some way.  If we parted badly, I wish I could say I'm sorry; that their friendship was worth a great deal to me. 

The trouble with being a woman is having women friends? 

I would change it to say "the trouble with being a women is she can't keep all her women friends because first, she has to learn how important they are"  And hopefully, she doesn't learn this too late. 

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